Mar 29, 2010

key learnings of a bachelor iv

More from the kitchen:
Its not mooli prataha(Radish stuffed Flatbread) but overeating mooli paratha due to its great taste that gives it the bad name.

Cooking is not that difficult if you remember when to switch off the burner.

Always appreciate your cooking and remember its tasty, except that some have not acquired that taste.

And the Hygiene:

Deodorants help a lot when sprayed over shirt and not on body.

Philosophy:


Either you understand it... or you accept it.

Humor:

If you are laughing at an American's joke you are gross and In-descent.
If you are laughing at an English joke, you are acting like a F*G.
If you are laughing at a Chinese joke(you have to figure out what the Chinese said ) and probably you are laughing at his pronunciation .
If you laugh at an Arab's joke you are violent.
If you laugh at an Indians' joke you don't have a sense of humor at all.
If you laugh at a joke that is none of the above then you must be offending a woman or a Jew or a surd (Sardar) . (Oh common blonds cannot be offended in any way )

Else you are laughing at your misery and you are a 'Pseudo~secular'.

Day to day use:

To pretend that you are understanding a profound concept, nod you head and exclaim loudly "Oh that's how it works, I misunderstood it before". Don't worry it will never come in use.

When someone says "I Believe so" it means you need to cross verify that.

When someone says "I was just kidding" it means you outsmarted them.

Mar 26, 2010

Guruji ki jai

    

                             || GURUJI KI JAI||                                
   

All facts written below are purely fictitious, were written without prejudice.
Do read till the end.

Guruji FACTS

Guruji once made a profit of $2,783 dollars when he opened a lemonade stand . . . in Feburary.
PS: This post is inspired by Chuck Norris or 'Rajnikant of hollywood'. Guruji is considered to be the Nerd Chuck Norris when it comes to '.net'.

Scientists predict that by the year 2020, Guruji will be responsible for over 85% of India's Headaches.

Guruji once killed two stones with one bird.

Guruji once went to The Virgin Islands ( for picnic .....sabko invitation mail bhi bheja tha). They are now called The Islands.

Guruji can edit .exe file, using a notepad.

Guruji has a gmail account on hotmail.

Guruji deleted 'The Recycle Bin'.

Powerpuff girls teamed together to attack Mandir, but because of "Guruji ki Mahima" they failed badly. 
PS: Powerpuff girls was a gang of three girls who were anti-Mandir (mandir reffers to Guruji's Temple) its 'Priory of Sion' of batch 137. 

Amanjit and Shinoy once challenged Guruji for a typing competition. Guruji won by 5 gazillion words.
Still he was unhappy with the slow processor speed. 
PS: Amanjit and Shinoy were supposed to be the fastest fingers when it comes to typing.

Guruji created byte code by compiling C# program.

Here is a motivating one:
If at first you don't succeed remember, you are not Guruji.

Mailer-demon is afraid of Guruji.

Guruji is so cool, his PC doesn't need a fan.

Guruji's monitor has no glare, no one dares to glare at Guruji.

It is also believed that Captain was afraid of Guruji, Guruji once scolded him for not coming to ML Tower in formals. 
PS: Captain Maitre was considered to be the 'Corporal Turnbull' of MLTower. He always scolded some or other SET over discipline and no body dared to even look at him.

Global warming theory is bullshit, its because Guruji is so cool, he turns all girls and gays hot (on).

Guruji can store a float value into a bool, because after meeting Guruji everyone becomes a zero.

Guruji is not afraid of bugs, bugs are afraid of Guruji. If your program doesn't run: it has bugs, if Guruji's program doesn't run:  ".net " has a bug.

Guruji has so much "fire in the belly " ( remember WHAT Mr. Savarkar use to say ) that it can generate the electricity for entire ML TOWER for three weeks.
PS: Mr. Savarkar was our training head and he used to motivate 'Fast Track' batch of SET by the words "You have fire in you belly and metal in you veins to show it to the world."

There was only one man who ever outsmarted Guruji, and that was DA...he got what he deserved! 
PS: DA sundar DA was the most silent man of batch 137. Nobody knows what happened actually but DA was nicknamed DA.

Legends say that once Viashali mam asked a question. Gulabo(easy english translation: Pinky) took about 5000 words to explain the answer, Vinod and Shinoy consulted MSDN(Microsoft Dickhead Network) and explained it in 2000 words. Nobody except Guruji understood what they said. Guruji then gave a speech of 3 words and the whole batch understood: he said, "Out of syllabus". ( WIKI citation needed ) that's why he is Guruji. 
PS: Vaishali mam taught us .net. MSDN is a shitload of nothing. Vinod and Shinoy: two scholars of our batch


Guruji do not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. 

Guruji once scolded Sarvarkar, for many questions in the '.net' first test were wrong, as a result Bill Gates launched another version of  ".net ".

Guruji is so fast he Finished .net second test in just 20 minutes, for the first 19 minutes he was flirting with Gurumata. 
PS: if you understand who is Guruji you will understand who is Gurumata (for non hindi readers its feminine gender of Guru)

Gulabo is after Preeto not because of Attraction, but its because Guruji once changed the embeded programming of his mind, just to simulate how HUTCH Network works. (now Vodafone) 
PS: Gulabo is a guy with infinite pink colour. Hutch(Vodafone) aired an advertisement in which a cute doggy that follows a kid everywhere 

Siddhartha topped in software Engg., because he answered "Guruji " for every question.

Vinod once tried to "have a word " with Guruji. After an age of waiting, he got an appointment, but being very formal, as he is; He said " hi " and the meeting was over. 
PS. Vinod always started the conversation with "May I have a word with you" 

Guruji is the only person to count the exact number of GOPIES(North Indian slang for girlfriend) Suneet has. After verification his answer was found correct up to two decimal places. 
PS: Even Discovery channel doesn't know how many girlfriends did Suneet have.

Good, Better, Best, ............Guruji.
last but and the best one

Guruji is the only person who has satisfied all the "but hows " and "what ifs" of Khujli.....NOW DON'T SAY BUT HOUUUUUUUuuu.... 
PS: Khujli (means itch in English, in India one says 'he has a lot of khujli' when some is very curious ) is the person who used to ask infinite question in the lecture sessions and his first question started with "What if " if you answered it, next question will be But how ?

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Latest in the series
Guruji  owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 2007 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Although Guruji never said anything about world ending in 2012, many of his disciple believe that guruji has been kicking off the sun's rays and many a times blowing air to annihilate the solar flares.

Guruji was the first one to expalin big foot correctly. 

Guruji is the first person and the only one to find answer to the dreaded pet weapon of females "Do i look fat in these outfit".[wiki citation needed]

Last one.
Guruji owns a bug free Windows 7