Nov 13, 2009

yet another mimicry script

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Nov 11, 2009

Key Learnings of a bachelor part 2

Living alone away from home i gathered some more wisdom , here are a few more learnings of my bachelor life :

- The 2% rule
Out of 100 girls you meet ..
15 are already seeing someone or, are married.
20 have had a real bad experience lately and are not ready to go around with someone.
50(of the left ) are waiting for someone who's rich, or James Bond or Brad Pitt (although they end up with some guy like tamil hero ).
5 (of the left remember )are very demanding and you soon feel tired running after.
8 are the left ones are those are too weird to be seen, and as said life is too short to dance with ugly girls.
So only 2 out of 100 are left as a good possibility, (Unless you are Brad Pitt of you town).

- Girls never want you to solve their problems; they just want you to listen to it because they are feeling like talking to someone. After all a headache that appears almost 7 days of a week needs a doctor and not you.

- In a mall your first target should be the Shop with "50% discount" offer you will meet a lot of girls there . But be sure not to buy anything just feel the cloth texture of the shirts and say "Oh that's pathetic " loudly, you will seek a lot of attention.

- Never interrupt a girl when she is making a mistake, because you are the one to be blamed anyways.

- Friends who complain about you not being with them (due to some ladki ka chakkar ) are the ones to leave you first when you are alone

- Cleanliness is very very necessary, don't forget to take bath once a week....not considering winters.

- Books like "How to vomet on your neighbor's dog " become a part of the bestsellers list but are read mostly by those who like reading books and not working on them.

- Never be fooled by the line "this is not just a book, In fact you have to practice with it ", you will have a hard time doing so and soon you will end up being a confused sheep.

- Always remember procrastination never pays, who cares.

- Never admit you drink, you will make a lot of friends that you never meet again

- It takes more than a lifetime to understand what it is.

Jul 20, 2009

Another perspective :: water sport in goa

Had a chance to enjoy the goan natural beauty , and as all tourists do, so did my friends and i, went to have a taste of the beach water sports, to the Kalangote(FYI its not a sandhi of kala and langot) Beach .

Item : Entire Package
Price : 1000 INR

Includes : Water Scooter
Para Sailing

Here is what we actually got

Water scooter : isme aapko ek water scooter pe baithate hain , jaise papa aapko bachpan mein motorcycle pe aage baithate the . You are allowed to enjoy the ride but not to touch the handle .
Nostalgic !

Bumping : Dhat burbak , yeh to khali paisa lootane jaisa hai , they make you sit on a round tube attached to a motorboat and take the motor boat in speed . Why is it called bumping ; because you get bumps(kicks) on you A** .Saala! peeche ek hazaar laate khao aur paise bhi do .

Banana : Yaani kela , socha bhi na tha ki attempt to murder hoga mere saath .They make you and many other guys sit long straight Banana Tube take it in full speed and turn the boat which makes the banana turn upside down , and you as well . "bachao" is the only word your mind can think of . Mine experience was a bit worse ek moti (one fat girl) didn't know to swim (just like me and all others) and she grabbed me , ek to samandar ne mera dam ghota aur baaki bacha kucha us moti ne , thanks to Hanuman ji I am safe .

Haan bhaiya last but not the least , jab saare kapade bheeg jatein hain to aapko parasailing karayi jaati hai .

Para sailing : Most avaited( yeh w hi hai paani me bheeg ke sikud gaya hai ) sport , in my case they took us in the mid of the sea on a boat and took us there for half an hour in the sun (remember we were drenched in saline water) then the boat with parachute arrived . to bhiaya aakhir para sailing me hota ka hai ? kuch nahi bas hawa me chaddhi sukhane ke paise le lete hain , hum ne to kai baar bola are abhi mat utaro abhi kapada sookha nahi hai , to bola ke doosre ka chance hai.

so this was another view to the most enjoyed extravaganza , do go to Goa once in life , after all tax free daroo aur kahan ?

Jul 12, 2009

My greatest goofups #1

Well this time, I was traveling by bus from Yerwada to Pune station obviously in Pune.

As usual it was crowdy (yup I know there is no such word in angrezi..bhawnao ko samjha karo yaar).
On the next stop an Old lady boarded, she looked very disgusted by the temperature outside and acting as a good boy (why can't I be good :) ) I offered the lady my seat.
Before I proceed I want you to know that when it comes to Marathi I am good at just one sentence mala marathi yet nai.(I dont uderstand marathi language)
Lady thanked me in marathi, to which i nodded with a smile. Not a minute had passed she spoke again and was looking at me, I don't know what to say but I nodded in agreement(yes you are so right Mam). Two stops passed by and the lady was speaking on something or the other .
Meanwhile I got hold of another seat on the opposite side, how ever I wasn't so quick; so lost the window seat to a young lady and had to compromise with the one I got .
But the Old lady, spoke again and this time a very very long sentence. I could not resist my self and recited the famous phrase that I am good at:ud at "mala marathi yet nahi".
Old Lady laughed and said in Hindi , aap ke bagal mein meri beti hai main usse baat kar rahi hu (easy English translation:- I am talking to my daughter sitting next to you ) .
Now I realised that her daughter was standing next to me in the bus before .(yaar uski ladkii ne ek baar bhi apni ma ki kisi baat ka jawaab nahi diya - her daughter never replied even once) but apna to majaak ud chuka tha ; no explanation can change this fact.
Only thing relieving was the next stop Pune station, I ran down as fast as I could, just to escape the moment.

Jun 25, 2009

Operation pakode

Monsoon knocked mumbai this weekend , and after a long yearning we guys were enjoying the weather . To yaar mauka bhi tha aur dastoor bhi , we guys decided to make पकोडे , aur woh bhi प्याज ke ; even the very thought of it made our mouth starts watering .
The only challenge was none of us had ever done this before . But life bina challenge ke sarkaari naukri jaisi hoti hai .
So we started , team comprised of three members . Most important baat , main ingredient besan was as less as free land in mumbai .To top it Baboo bangali (Cook no 1) poured in water as it rains in bombay ...woh kya kehte hain कंगाली में आटा गीला (besan this time)
But to accept defeat easily is not our नतुरे ama nature yar , बॉस fir kya apun ne jugat lagayi aur besan ke ghol mein aata milaya . Then poured some more floor then some more , then some more (now you can imagine how much water it was)...fir aayi baari the talne(fry) ki jiska kaam Saxena ji ko mila tha (Cook no 2) . Saksena jio ne bhi poori jimmedari nibhayi.
Finally kuch to bana one can call it pyaaz wada , obviously credit goes to me (Cook no 3 ) , haan chaho to execution ke liye saxena jee ko thoda sa credit bhi diya ja sakta hai .
but jo bhi bana tha yaar kha ke majaa aa gaya
We also decided of next weekend mission "Operation Chilla"

Jun 23, 2009

शीर्षक विहीन (Untitled)

हाथों में लिए भाग रहा था ,
जाने कहाँ छूट गया इस आपाधापी में
वो एक सपना को जो खुद के लिए बचाया था
लो फिर टूट गया इन आँखों में

कभी सोचने लगता हु
कुछ यादें धुंधली सी अभी हैं
और एक लट्टू छोटा सा जिसे खेलते खेलते
सो जाता ज़मीन पे दोपहरी में

और उठ भागना उस बिल्ली के पीछे
जिसे मालूम ही नहीं उसका अपराध
और मन ही मन मुस्काना
उसकी दबती दम पे ,

खो गया मैं खुद से
जाने कब फिर से मिल पाउँगा दोबारा
और आँखों में था एक सपना
वोह अब टूटा सा लगता है

Jun 16, 2009

jai kaali bhaukaali

Even after searching for a long time i did not find a real meaning of bhokaal, so had to write this post ,

Bhokal : Pronunciation [BH-ou-Kaal]

Origin (hindi) :mahaguru bhokal ,a character who was guru of Prince Alop (who is generally referred to as bhokal) from comics bhokal .

OLD meaning bhokal :good reputation generally due to expertise in a particular field

eg: Misra ne electrical mein top kar ke hostel mein bhokaal macha diya.

New meaningBhokal : to show off , pretence

eg: raat mein chasma pehen kar lala ji bhokaal maar rahe the . eg: Beta bhokali logon ke chakkar mein raho ge to hamesha c***ia katega

adj. bhaukaali /bhokalieg: Majorwa : " ae baba kya bhokali tshirt hai "

May 31, 2009

ending signatures and some more

followin mails signatures, jargoans, phrases of IT ppl , i found out some funny ones here is a gist of what i remember
..yeh vending machine kabhi dhang se kaam kyon nahi karti
..जो Release पे फट जाए उसे सॉफ्टवेर कहते हैं.
..आओ मीटिंग मीटिंग खेलते हैं - as said by my client

..i am unable to fix the system , wont be able to fix it this weekend
cheers ,


..client :what are you doing in this industry ?
me :nothing
client: me too
..elaborate signatures

thanks and warm regards ,
Name middle name lastname
job title
bu , company
addressline 1
address line 2
address line 3
address line 4
mail id
some verrrrrrrrrrrrry veryyyyyyyyyyy long quote by aristotle or socrates (which no one understand)

(and lastly)plase consider envoirment before printing this mail
(guess they should also mentions there home address , sasural ka pata etc. )

..this was expected frm you what else (managers at appraisal time )
..chocs at my desk (no chocs left by the time you reach)

..yeh to poora sev1 defect hai
...isko upar wale ne bina testing ke release kyon kiya

Jan 11, 2009

Key learnings Of A bachelor

Living in Mumbai for last two years I have learnt  a few lessons from my bachelor life here are a few of the points :

  • Never try to Iron your clothes while watching cricket match; especially 20-20
  • jira apart from being a bug tracking tool, is also a spice.
  • Buy socks of the same colour; saves time in morning
  • A man can cook, sweep, wash and iron clothes but its washing socks that compells him to marry
  • You might listen your friends saying "We cook at home " .Dont be fancied by this idea and take risk of cooking; always remember "maggie" rocks
  • Be convinced, that just like cooked is better than Raw food; its at it best when it get a slightly overcooked (most of the time burnt in my case)
  • Prime use of nail cutter is to open beer bottles
  • Always Explain and make it clear to friends that you have decorated your room this way and Its "Grunge Theme". Perhaps webs on the corners are a natural way of getting rid of insects.
  • Tip: If you shave properly people will assume you have taken a bath too .
  • Parle G tastes awesome in the middle of night with tea.
  • One should keep good terms with watchman and maids . One lets you in late in night, other gives you useful information about girls of society like who is single who is not and who has broken up recently.
  • last one :
Milk turns Light green after a week .

Jan 7, 2009

Most Overused phrases/words by Media in year 2008

Got back at my seat and tried to recollect all words that keep me haunting every now and then when i try to swap channels . So here is a list of my observation of the past one year .

Special Mention
After the famous debate on Maharashtra + bhaiya vs maharashtra - bhaiya , reporters chanted two words very frequently . Congress remains quiet , Bjp Remains quiet . The only person to speak is Laloo who has no vote bank in Maharashtra . Our News Readers spoke "Bhaiyya" or "marathi manoos" every now and then there are disscussions being setup , local people are being interviewed and what not.
"Bhaiyya " and "Marathi manus " and have qualified for the tenth place
...but seriously dude where is Raj thackrey these days.

Bhajji praised Symonds and it created a huge controversy here is a glimpse "
do we know for sure... or maybe the Question procter asked Bhajji...

Procter : Do you pleade guilty to the charge of calling Symonds "Monkey"
Bhajji : No, it was a normal conversation
Proctor : And you speak
"Monkey" in normal conversation..?
Bhajji : I only said "Maa Ki " , perhaps
i cannot insult a Monkey .
Proctor : Enough
Procter : Did SRT hear
Bhajji call Symonds "Monkey"
SRT : No, it was a normal conversation
Proctor : Bhajji is guilty ; Pay 1 million $ as fine
bhajji : thats tooo
Proctor : Then you will have to kiss Symonds and shake hands with him
Bhajji : You want that as cash or cheque

i am not getting into what was wrong or write ,i have read the e-mails of complaining monkey and similarities between symonds and monkey , but we are not racists after all , and maa ki is so very easy for indians to speak. this place goes to "Maa ki "

Up in the list comes another Extraordinary phase that is now almost set in every ones subconsious " yeh dekhiye " / "aap dekh sakte hain "....and Award for most repreatedly using this word goes to INDIA TV ..they will show a news of two minutes that was stupid and strech it upto half an hour . Firstly you see the video of how it was done , then that news reader gives you the same jist , then he talks to a correspondant who gives you the same news , then he says "we have a gentleman standing next to us who has also been watching this scene .....blah blah " , then we are again shown the same video now with subtitles on the left .
My my my .What could be the best add in break .....सर दर्द...सिर्फ एक saridon.

I think you might have guessed this word by now , even if you havnt once you read it you will say "वही तो मैं भी कह रहा था " ;you watch any news channel at 9 pm and sit back and count the number of times they say the word "sansanikhej" & "vaardaat" .
here are a few exerpt :

"आज तक ने किया सनसनीखेज खुलासा ..आप एकदम आसानी से देख सकते हैं, ऐश ki aaj की काया, और एक साल पहले की काया मैं ज़मीन आसमान का फरक हैं ..क्या ऐश माँ बन्ने वाली हैं ..बच्चन परिवार में आने वाली है नई पीढ़ी"

"दो बदमाश जो motorcycle की बैठ क़र आए थे उन्होंने इस वारदात को अंजाम दिया . नॉएडा के सेक्टर २३ में हुई येः वारदात। पुलिस ने थामी है चुप्पी , बड़ी ही शर्मनाक है येः वारदात ।"
" इस शर्मनाक हादसे को लेकर पूरे प्रशासन में मची है सनसनी "

"आज तक की सनसनीखेज वारदात : पुरी सील पैक बोतल पेट में १० दिन तक ? "

i remember a dialog in the movie Oye Lucky Lucky oye "अरे यार सनसनीखेज मैं कितनी बार बोलूँगा. अब तो येः हाल है, घर में बीवी पूछती है खाने कैसा बना है तोह मेरे मुँह से निकल जाता है "सनसनीखेज़"."


And the first Place Goes to...... Breaking News

How ever there has never been anything that can break the normal schedule , फेव of such Breaking news were

" एलियंस को पसंद है हिमेश का संगीत "

"बिल्लो रानी चढी छज्जे पे "

"अमिताभ को लगी सर्दी "

Who calls that a breaking news ,So that how it goes. I pray to god that we get to see something new and better and in short some news this year