Nov 22, 2010

yahan wahan

एक पुरानी फिल्म सी घिसी , तेज रंगों से लिपटी ज़िन्दगी
और कभी लगता है की dubbing ही खराब है
आवाज़ पहले आती है और लोग जैसे चुप से लगते हैं

और गन्ने के juice की दूकान पे धुप बत्ती सी सुलगती सी ज़िन्दगी
कभी दिवाली की झालर सी टिमटिमाती जैसे जान ही न हो

और दादाजी के रेडियो पे  बजते रफ़ी-लता के गाने की तरफ धुंधली मगर कितनी सुकून भरी ज़िन्दगी
और कहीं bus के horn सा शोर मानो जैसे आज ही आगे निकल जाएगी

पेट्रोल pump पे चलते जाली 500 के नोट सी तेज़ भागती ज़िन्दगी
कभी रुक जाती येः कह के  "दो पांच के हैं क्या"?

कटते प्याज सी आँखों में चुभती ज़िन्दगी
और कभी तो लगता है की दर्द तो बहोत है पर आंसू सूख से गए हैं 

चाट में  पड़े  मसाले सी चटपटी येः ज़िन्दगी 
और कभी मिठास बासी खीर की

कभी दीवार के छूटते चुने सी हाथों में चुपकी ज़िन्दगी
जैसे बिछड़ते हुए अपनों की यादें हो
  
कभी लम्बी लम्बी बातों से बहोत छोटी सी लगती ज़िन्दगी
कभी चाँद लम्हों को तरसती प्यासी सी

माँ के हाथ से तेल की चम्पी सी नशीली ज़िन्दगी
और कभी जैसे पहली बार पकाई कच्ची बिना नमक की सब्जी

और street light की मटमैली रौशनी में अधजले पेड़ों सी रोशन ज़िन्दगी
तो कभी highway पर खिड़की से आती ठंडी हवा सी सुहानी

धुल खाते पिछले साल के अख़बारों सी ज़िन्दगी 
 जिन्हे खोलो तो लगे सजैसे सबमे एक ही खबर है 

नाई की कैंची सी  बातूनी ज़िंदगी 
और कभी छत पे लटके पुराने पंखे सी, रुक रुक के गड गड करती 
जैसे एकदम से कोई बात याद आई हो
 
कभी खली मकान सी अकेली ज़िन्दगी 
और आपस  में बात करतीं दीवारें 
 
कभी सन्नाटों में गूंजती ज़िन्दगी  
जैसे कुछ तो कहने का है 
 
और समझ में न आने वाले फिरंगी गाने सी ज़िन्दगी
जिसकी धुन नचा ही  देती है 
 
उस पुरानी पढ़ी कविता की याद दिलाती ज़िन्दगी 
जो आज भी उतनी ही सही लगती है

ret pe bante pairon ke mohar si zindagi 
aur kahi uthti girti lehron si
 Kabhi na milne wali sarkari policy si zindagi
Aur sadak pe bichi dukaan si bikhri

busy aate phone call si zindagi
aur kabhi khadi kataar me aakhri

na chahte hue bhi kharch hote paison si zindagi...
aur kabhi bebaak nikalte gusse si
us purani padhi kavita ki yaad dilati zindagi 
jo aaj bhi utni hi nayi si lagti hai




Oct 7, 2010

khali jeb खाली जेब

भागते भागते ज़िन्दगी ने कहा 
" ओ भाई रुक , ज़रा ठहर "
और समय , उसने जैसे अनसुनी सी करदी उसकी बात 
आगे बढ़ता रहा वोह, दिए बिना जवाब 


ज़िन्दगी ने सोचा 'जाने दो '
थोड़ी देर सुस्ता , पानी पी 
देखा तो दूर ..दूर तक समय दीख न पड़ा
"शायद बहोत पीछे छूट गया मैं "


फिर सारी ताकत लगा वोह भागा 
और इतना तेज़ दौड़ा 
की समय, छूट गया पीछे
निकल आया बहोत दूर 


मुड कर देखा , सोचा "जाने दो "


ज़िन्दगी ने अचानक टटोली अपनी जेब 
इस भाग दौड़ में बहोत कुछ कहाँ गिर गया...
"पता भी नहीं चला "
कभी हताश कभी खुश मन ही मन हस दिया 


और नज़र पड़ी 
आस पास सुन्दर उगते फूलों पे
"इतना गलत भी नहीं मैं शायद "
बैठ सुनने लगा वोह भवरों के गीत 


पीछे से चला आ रहा था समय 
चुपचाप, भावविहीन चेहरा लिए
ज़िन्दगी ने देखा उसे फिर से आगे जाते हुए 
और हस के कहा "जाने दो " 


उसे लगा मनो उसकी जेब फिर से भर गयी थी |


खाली जेब


Aug 29, 2010

पर जलता तो हू धीरे धीरे

 जलता  हु  धीरे  धीरे  ,
जाने  क्या  रौशन  करता  हू

दिखता है जो  कुछ  इस  रौशनी में  तो बस
अँधेरा
कुछ  अधजगे  कुछ  अधसोए  से  लोग
कुछ  सफेदी से  काले,  कुछ  कालिख  में  लिपटे

कभी  कभी  लगता  है  की  क्या  रौशन  करता  हू ?
पर  जलता  तो  हू  धीरे  धीरे 

और  थक  हार  कर  लौटा  वोह  कोई
और  जो  भूख  से  शायद  कभी  सो  ही  नहीं  पाया 
और  जो  ग़म  हलक  कर  लड़खड़ाते  हुए  गुम हो गया 

कभी  कभी  लगता  है  की  क्या  रौशन  करता  हू ?
पर  जलता  तो  हू  धीरे  धीरे 
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
jalta hu dheere dheere ,
jane kya raushan karta hu

dikhta hai jo kuch is raushni me to bas
andhera
kuch adhjage kuch adhsoye se log
kuch safedi se kaale kuch kalikh me lipte

kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki kya raushan karta hu?
par jalta to hu dheere dheere

aur thak haar kar lauta woh koi
aur jo bhookh se shayad kabhi so hi nahi paaya
aur jo gham halak kar ladkhadate hue laut~ta

kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki kya raushan karta hu?
par jalta to hu dheere dheere

Jul 22, 2010

key learnings of a bachelor V

Adding some more to the wisdom :
In the monsoon:

+ Don't carry an umbrella during monsoons because it we be lost eventually, it gives you an opportunity to get wet :D and it also increases chances of getting along with some chick who carries one.
+ Raincoats provide better protection but are very non-stylish(as told by a girl).
+ Ironing wet shirts doesn't mean you cannot burn it! just need the right temperature.


General:
+ Facebook, orkut are the best way of stalking on your ex.
+ Registering on job sites will help you get contact number of a lot of consultants(that are females)
At office: 
Never argue with a manager if he is married; they learn all the tacts from their wives and implement it in office.
Never argue with a manager if he is single; he is too frustrated to let you win.


Anti International Alarm: Decide and make a code on how to ring the doorbell in case someone is bringing a female to your flat; this would alert all flatmates and they won't be caught in International haalat (attire)*.



*Internation attire : means undergarments , haalat is used for condition but here it refers to attire.


Jun 30, 2010

Facts are funnier than fiction

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia means fear of long words.




Guess what would the psychiatrist say “I am sorry to say pal but you are suffering from Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia “

- Patient faints again .

May 22, 2010

Operation Chilla

Chilla : chee - la  a yellow monster that sticks in the frying pan when touched by a man; has an opposite reaction when made by a woman (for non hindi readers its a gram flour omellete). 

Had nothing much to do this weekend so thought of making something impossible. Watched several you tube videos like "How to make Indian snack :" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r4QfILTdAc. and after an hour or two finally got the motivation to do something.

Here is what is required to make a chilla : Gram flour, fine grated onion , chopped tomatoes , red chilli powder and a hell lot of other stuff that i forgot by the time i was in kicthen.

Here is what I did. I added water in gram flour and grated onnions (I don't know what grated onnions look like but i cut them for five minutes) unlike the video it became a sticky one with flour clogged like honey bunches in oat meals . I took a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath concentrated and added some more water.
then some more
then some more
it looked like a thin soup , a friend of mine suggested that "paani jyada gir gaya hai" (you have poured in extra water) ..ofcourse more water is more healthy.
Added some more flour
Poured the gel on the pan .......waiting after two minutes I realised one has to lite the burner..
Some thing that the video on youtube missed was "if you are a guy this aint meant for you" warning.
I didnt realised when did the pan went hot and within seconds one side of the Chilla was burnt.Switched the burnere off , i tried to pull it out  and had crisps (obviously burnt on one side) .
Tried another similar result.
Tried another a bit better.
Tried another ok ok .
Was trying another when some one interrupted my meditation, with help of experts the last one was a masterpiece.

Mar 29, 2010

key learnings of a bachelor iv

More from the kitchen:
Its not mooli prataha(Radish stuffed Flatbread) but overeating mooli paratha due to its great taste that gives it the bad name.

Cooking is not that difficult if you remember when to switch off the burner.

Always appreciate your cooking and remember its tasty, except that some have not acquired that taste.

And the Hygiene:

Deodorants help a lot when sprayed over shirt and not on body.

Philosophy:


Either you understand it... or you accept it.

Humor:

If you are laughing at an American's joke you are gross and In-descent.
If you are laughing at an English joke, you are acting like a F*G.
If you are laughing at a Chinese joke(you have to figure out what the Chinese said ) and probably you are laughing at his pronunciation .
If you laugh at an Arab's joke you are violent.
If you laugh at an Indians' joke you don't have a sense of humor at all.
If you laugh at a joke that is none of the above then you must be offending a woman or a Jew or a surd (Sardar) . (Oh common blonds cannot be offended in any way )

Else you are laughing at your misery and you are a 'Pseudo~secular'.

Day to day use:

To pretend that you are understanding a profound concept, nod you head and exclaim loudly "Oh that's how it works, I misunderstood it before". Don't worry it will never come in use.

When someone says "I Believe so" it means you need to cross verify that.

When someone says "I was just kidding" it means you outsmarted them.

Mar 26, 2010

Guruji ki jai

    

                             || GURUJI KI JAI||                                
   

All facts written below are purely fictitious, were written without prejudice.
Do read till the end.

Guruji FACTS

Guruji once made a profit of $2,783 dollars when he opened a lemonade stand . . . in Feburary.
PS: This post is inspired by Chuck Norris or 'Rajnikant of hollywood'. Guruji is considered to be the Nerd Chuck Norris when it comes to '.net'.

Scientists predict that by the year 2020, Guruji will be responsible for over 85% of India's Headaches.

Guruji once killed two stones with one bird.

Guruji once went to The Virgin Islands ( for picnic .....sabko invitation mail bhi bheja tha). They are now called The Islands.

Guruji can edit .exe file, using a notepad.

Guruji has a gmail account on hotmail.

Guruji deleted 'The Recycle Bin'.

Powerpuff girls teamed together to attack Mandir, but because of "Guruji ki Mahima" they failed badly. 
PS: Powerpuff girls was a gang of three girls who were anti-Mandir (mandir reffers to Guruji's Temple) its 'Priory of Sion' of batch 137. 

Amanjit and Shinoy once challenged Guruji for a typing competition. Guruji won by 5 gazillion words.
Still he was unhappy with the slow processor speed. 
PS: Amanjit and Shinoy were supposed to be the fastest fingers when it comes to typing.

Guruji created byte code by compiling C# program.

Here is a motivating one:
If at first you don't succeed remember, you are not Guruji.

Mailer-demon is afraid of Guruji.

Guruji is so cool, his PC doesn't need a fan.

Guruji's monitor has no glare, no one dares to glare at Guruji.

It is also believed that Captain was afraid of Guruji, Guruji once scolded him for not coming to ML Tower in formals. 
PS: Captain Maitre was considered to be the 'Corporal Turnbull' of MLTower. He always scolded some or other SET over discipline and no body dared to even look at him.

Global warming theory is bullshit, its because Guruji is so cool, he turns all girls and gays hot (on).

Guruji can store a float value into a bool, because after meeting Guruji everyone becomes a zero.

Guruji is not afraid of bugs, bugs are afraid of Guruji. If your program doesn't run: it has bugs, if Guruji's program doesn't run:  ".net " has a bug.

Guruji has so much "fire in the belly " ( remember WHAT Mr. Savarkar use to say ) that it can generate the electricity for entire ML TOWER for three weeks.
PS: Mr. Savarkar was our training head and he used to motivate 'Fast Track' batch of SET by the words "You have fire in you belly and metal in you veins to show it to the world."

There was only one man who ever outsmarted Guruji, and that was DA...he got what he deserved! 
PS: DA sundar DA was the most silent man of batch 137. Nobody knows what happened actually but DA was nicknamed DA.

Legends say that once Viashali mam asked a question. Gulabo(easy english translation: Pinky) took about 5000 words to explain the answer, Vinod and Shinoy consulted MSDN(Microsoft Dickhead Network) and explained it in 2000 words. Nobody except Guruji understood what they said. Guruji then gave a speech of 3 words and the whole batch understood: he said, "Out of syllabus". ( WIKI citation needed ) that's why he is Guruji. 
PS: Vaishali mam taught us .net. MSDN is a shitload of nothing. Vinod and Shinoy: two scholars of our batch


Guruji do not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. 

Guruji once scolded Sarvarkar, for many questions in the '.net' first test were wrong, as a result Bill Gates launched another version of  ".net ".

Guruji is so fast he Finished .net second test in just 20 minutes, for the first 19 minutes he was flirting with Gurumata. 
PS: if you understand who is Guruji you will understand who is Gurumata (for non hindi readers its feminine gender of Guru)

Gulabo is after Preeto not because of Attraction, but its because Guruji once changed the embeded programming of his mind, just to simulate how HUTCH Network works. (now Vodafone) 
PS: Gulabo is a guy with infinite pink colour. Hutch(Vodafone) aired an advertisement in which a cute doggy that follows a kid everywhere 

Siddhartha topped in software Engg., because he answered "Guruji " for every question.

Vinod once tried to "have a word " with Guruji. After an age of waiting, he got an appointment, but being very formal, as he is; He said " hi " and the meeting was over. 
PS. Vinod always started the conversation with "May I have a word with you" 

Guruji is the only person to count the exact number of GOPIES(North Indian slang for girlfriend) Suneet has. After verification his answer was found correct up to two decimal places. 
PS: Even Discovery channel doesn't know how many girlfriends did Suneet have.

Good, Better, Best, ............Guruji.
last but and the best one

Guruji is the only person who has satisfied all the "but hows " and "what ifs" of Khujli.....NOW DON'T SAY BUT HOUUUUUUUuuu.... 
PS: Khujli (means itch in English, in India one says 'he has a lot of khujli' when some is very curious ) is the person who used to ask infinite question in the lecture sessions and his first question started with "What if " if you answered it, next question will be But how ?

***************************************************
Latest in the series
Guruji  owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 2007 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Although Guruji never said anything about world ending in 2012, many of his disciple believe that guruji has been kicking off the sun's rays and many a times blowing air to annihilate the solar flares.

Guruji was the first one to expalin big foot correctly. 

Guruji is the first person and the only one to find answer to the dreaded pet weapon of females "Do i look fat in these outfit".[wiki citation needed]

Last one.
Guruji owns a bug free Windows 7
 

Feb 28, 2010

meant to be

running out loud
and yelling smiles
its been fun so long
and will be ahead

when i was thinking
to repent and realise
another wave called life
put me away

i smiled and moved along
singing an old song


perhaps they say you don't
rhyme
perhaps they say you don't
make sense

all i say is
i enjoy
and that's what it was
meant to be

and that's what it was meant to be

Jan 24, 2010

singing the same old song

so again they come
and as usual ,..... take it all with them
o it has been so long!
and here i am
singing... the same old song

they said aint it beautiful
but all see is ruins
they said that its for a while
but i see going strong
they said its for peace
but i saw him killing his mates

they say so mu...........ch
they say it overtime
they say they are right
they say that i am wrong

and here i am singing the same old song

singing the same old song
singing
singing
singing the same old song

Jan 21, 2010

key learning of a bachelor - iii

After surviving the chilly winters of New york I came up with a few more of my self acquired wisdom

-At a train station if you see a lot of people coming towards you, chances are you have missed yours

-Don't look at someone in America. If you look; smile. If you don't they will think you are rude. If you smile and they smile, say hi. If you don't they think you are very egotist. If you say hi and other person replies talk. If you talk with your accent they wont understand. If you try to imitate them, they make fun of you.

-If you take time to reply you are faking. If you reply quickly you are not thinking. If you are somewhere in the middle of the two you are just mediocre.

-Don't boards (Like - stick no bills, don't pee here, leash scrub and clean up after you dog) indicate what happens there in actual .

-Winter season special: if you wear a sweater, you need not iron the shirt.

-Jackets never get dirty, never.